Random thoughts on Depression from 2017
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I just realised I’m still depressed. It never goes away. I feel trapped. I feel panicked. I can’t see a way out. I just decided to pick up my phone rather that lie in bed with a stream of painful thoughts.
Everything just seems so hard. Really fucking hard. I hear and read about people completely turning their lives around after feeling like this. Right now I feel upset as I’ll keep having moments like this throughout my life.
I have a lot of feelings. I just can’t help it. It is exhausting. I can’t tell friends and family the half of it as they won’t be able to cope with my darkness. I’m nervous about seeing a doctor as I don’t just want to rely on taking a pill everyday for the rest of my life to be OK.
What does that make me? A failure? Someone who can’t do it on his own. I know that this sounds stupid but that’s just how I feel. To another person I’d be gentle and nice and kind as I gave advice. To myself I’m fucking brutal.
I’m moving. It’s happening but at this time of reflection, the black dog has reappeared. There is less of an unhelpful inner critic and more of a ‘resigned myself to the fact it will always be like this’ commentary going on. Please, please snap out of this.
I worry that I’ll never be able to experience true joy in life. That makes me constantly frustrated and angry. I’ve still got so much to do.
What is this? I suppose it is a cry for help. Sure, please help. It would be useful to know how others have dealt with this. I just want to go to sleep and try and make tomorrow better than today.