I am alive.
I am alive. But am I just existing? I get the feeling, often, that I’m simply drifting.
When this feeling takes hold, I struggle to fight it and it becomes the norm. It begins to consume me. I start to lose happiness and joy for things.
Unfulfilled potential.
Unhappiness.
A constant nagging frustration.
Irritability.
A background fear and dread of slipping.
Slipping into another breakdown or another outburst.
Of having to pick up the pieces of my life.
Yet again.
My mind automatically jumps to the worst-case scenario.
No job. No prospects. No hope.
Rock bottom.
Ending it?
These are just a snippet of my inner daily thoughts.
I’m a ball of restless energy.
It is fucking exhausting.
Being honest is important to me. When I’m honest, I feel alive. To do this I must face up to what makes me happy, what makes me sad, where I can grow, what things are not right.
I’ve started by writing this.
Right now I’m doing OK. By my standards.
I’m working. In a successful relationship. Planning a wedding. Healthier than I’ve been my entire adult life. Addressing issues in my life to make life better.
I have done a blog before, but am by no means confident. I feel like an imposter, constantly worried about what others might think. However, I do know that my openness, my journey could help others. It has before and it will again. By getting this out there, it can help me grow.
I have no idea where I’m going with it.
This is me just dipping my toes in.
The overthinking is both tiresome and fascinating in equal measure. It amazes me how the mind works for both good and bad. Still it irks me. This way of being isn’t part of the life I envisaged having.
I want to begin to reprogram myself how to feel.
Can I even do that?
I’ve been keeping my head down for too long.
And that didn’t make me overly happy.
I’ve started looking for inspiration.
So what inspires me?
Being successful.
What is success to me?
I don’t entirely know yet.
Yet I want to create an intensity. A flow state, a healthy obsession for LIVING and not simply existing. This is where I feel I function at my purest.
It is not often enough I feel this intensity.
When it does come, such as during recent Counselling sessions, it can become a euphoric feeling. I become alive. It feels alien to me. Yet it feels so right. Like I’m using more of my brain. Living more of my life.
Give me some more of that.
I want to act on it. My issue is I can’t pull the trigger. Take action.
It feels right because it is when I am at my most authentic. I am operating away from the shackles of fear and anxiety. I’m excitable and happier. Intoxicated by the thought of what could be.
The problem is that this feeling doesn’t stick around for very long. Existing can beat that out of me, you see.
I struggle to see my ideas through and anxiety resumes its default position.
Setting up TALK ABOUT IT MATE feels pretty right. It came out of my last blog. The first time I began to be honest. And It brings me pleasure to see how my life has come on since then.
I wonder what can come out of this one?
Even though it feels right, I still struggle to share what I have done and what we as a community have created. I am an imposter. I tell myself I’m doing it wrong.
There are plenty of people who do this thing. I feel like an imposter. Ill equipped to create new content, share my story, promote events. If I continue to feel like this I will never be able to take things to the next level.
Here we go then.
Do good. Feel good.
Nothing wrong with that.
It’s time to create opportunities.
Create content.
It is time to do something.
To make something happen.
Just do it.
Here I am.
And I am alive.